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punch. Above all, you dont want to sound anxious to have rapport.
Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experence,
instead of jumping in with a breathless, Hey, me, too! I do that, too or I
know all about that, let your conversation parner enjoy talking about it.
Let her go on about the country club before you tell her youre a member,
too. Let him go on analyzing the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you
start casually coparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and
Arnie. Let her tell you how many tennis games shes won before you just
hapen to mention your USTA ranking.
Several years ago, I was telling a new acquaintance how much I love
to ski. He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed travelogue of
places Id skied. I raved about the various resorts. I analyzed the various
conditions. I discussed artificial versus nat ral snow. It wasnt until near
the end of my monologue that I
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finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied. He
replied, Yes, I keep a little apartment in Aspen.
Cool! If hed jumped in and told me about his ski pad right after I first
told him how much I liked skiing, Id have been impressed. Mildly.
However, waiting until the end of our convesationand then revealing he
was such an avid skier that he kept an Aspen ski padmade it
unforgettable.
Heres the technique I call Kill the Quick Me, Too! Wheever people
mention an activity or interest you share, let them enjoy discussing their
passion. Then, when the time is right, casally mention you share their
interest.
Oh, I Must Have Been Boring You
I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the moment
presented itself at a convention. A new contact began telling me about her
recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no idea that Washington was
where I grew up.) She told me all about the Capitol, the Washington
Monument, the Kennedy Center, and how she and her husband went
bicycling in Rock Creek Park. (Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my
mouth shut to practice my new technique. I was genuinely enjoying
hearing about these familiar sights from a visitors perspective.)
I asked her where she stayed, where she dined, and if she had a chance
to get into any of the beautiful Maryland or Virginia suurbs. At one point,
obviously pleased by my interest in her trip, she said, You sound like you
know a lot about Washington.
Yes, I replied. Its my hometown, but I havent been back there in ages.
Your hometown! she squealed. My goodness, why didnt you tell me?
I must have been boring you.
Oh, not at all, I replied honestly. I was enjoying hearing about your
trip so much, I was afraid youd stop if I told you. Her
How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover Your Similarity) 109
big smile and barely audible Oh gosh let me know I had won a new
friend.
When someone starts telling you about an activity he has done, a trip
she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she hasanything that you
sharebite your tongue. Let the teller relish his or her own monologue.
Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly knowing how much pleasure your
conversation partner will have when you reveal you share the same
experience. Then, when the moment is ripe, casually disclose your
similarity. And be sure to mention how much you enjoyed hearing about
his or her shared interest.
Technique #27
Kill the Quick Me, Too!
Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer
you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be.
You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for
quick connection with a stranger.
P.S.: Dont wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem
like youre being tricky.
HowtoBeaYoFirstie to Gain Their Respect and Affection
SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . Two-bit comics have been
using that gag from the days when two bits bought a foursquare meal.
However, big winners know theres a three-letter word more potent then
SEX to get peoples attention. That word is YOU.
Why is you such a powerful word? Because when we were infants, we
thought we were the center of the universe. Nothing mattered but ME,
MYSELF, and I. The rest of the shadowy forms stirring about us (which
we later learned were other people) existed solely for what they could do
for us. Self-centered little tykes that we were, our tiny brains translated
every action, every word, into, How does that affect ME?
Big winners know we havent changed a bit. Adults camouflage their
self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness. Yet the
human brain still immediately, instinctively, and unfailingly translates
everything into terms of How does that affect ME?
For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague, Jill, if
she would like to join you for dinner. So you say to her, Theres a really
good new Indian restaurant in town. Will you join me there for dinner
tonight?
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How to Be a You-Firstie to Gain Their Respect and Af fection 111
Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, By good does he mean
the food or the atmosphere or both? Her reverie cotinues, Indian cuisine,
Im not sure. He says its good. However, will I like it? While thinking, Jill
hesitates. You probably take her hesitation personally, and the joy of the
exchange diminishes.
Suppose, instead, you had said to her, Jill, you will really love this
new Indian restaurant. Will you join me there this evening for dinner?
Phrasing it that way, youve already subliminally answered Jills questions
and shes more apt to give you a quick yes.
The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Pschologists tell
us everyone automatically gravitates toward that which is pleasurable and
pulls away from that which is painful. For many people, thinking is
painful.
So big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by, sell
to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them. They
translate everything into the other persons terms by starting as many
sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter word, you.
Thus, I call the technique Comm-YOU-nication.
Comm-YOU-nicate When You Want a Favor
Putting you first gets a much better response, especially when youre
asking a favor, because it pushes the askers pride button. Suppose you
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