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thought of as nuts, oddballs, and kooks to be dealt with.
Marty Jones, a landowner, is more specific, saying, "They run across a
corner of my property, using a path I put in for my own use. I posted the
land, but they ignored the postings. I have tried to talk to them, but they
may or may not even stop to listen. If they stop they keep running in place
while I'm raising hell about trespass. I think most joggers are rude, self-
centered, and selfish. I was thinking about hiding in the bushes and
ambushing them with my kid's BB gun."
For a variety of reasons, many people don't like joggers. Some folks
even actively plot against joggers, using cars and motorcycles, then arming
themselves with boards, pies, and other objects with which to strike the
runners. There are less barbaric ways, however.
Tire spikes are a World War II relic. During the hostilities, they were
dumped from low-flying aircraft onto enemy airfields and main
transportation roadways, where they caused havoc. Your use may not be so
widespread, but with equally exasperating results. The tire spike is a simply
made piece of one-eighth-inch-thick steel cut in the form of a four-pointed
star. Its purpose is to puncture rubber tires. The original wartime models
were three inches in diameter and had four points at forty-five-degree
angles. One of the points always stuck upward, ready to impale a vehicle
tire. Even today, there are many uses for tire spikes.
One anti-jogger has already suggested that these spikes be reduced in
size and dropped strategically near the running habitat of these long-range
exercise buffs. The purpose, I presume, is to penetrate the expensive bottom
of expensive jogging footwear and, perhaps, the expensive foot of the
jogger. One critic called this tactic "a really sick pain in the metatarsus."
Ultra-thin piano wire strung shin high on a pathway is excruciatingly
nasty. That's another World War II stunt redrafted for this book by Colonel
Jake Mothra. Many military manuals offer equipment and directions, he
adds.
Another contribution to joggermania would be to sprinkle marbles on
their special little pathways. Another nasty trickster, Hidell Crafard, told me
about an acquaintance at the Hunt Sporting Club in Dallas who actually put
ground glass into the running shoe of a bitter enemy. Perhaps that's where
filet of sole originated.
There aren't many counter-activities a jogger can use in retaliation.
Once is to carry MACE for obvious use. Another tactic is to carry cans of
garish-hued spray paint. These can be directed against attackers'
automobiles.
Laundromats
In addition to the dryer for a pizza oven, as outlined in another section
of this book, you can use laundromats to harass an individual mark, or the
business itself can be your mark. It is not very hard, for example, to dump
several packets of dye into someone's wash, ruining his/her clothing. Doing
this at random will bring grief to the owners of the laundromat. One
antisocial chap used to put small piles of moistened rust particles in the dryer
used by his mark so the mark's clothing would have large rust stains.
Roadkill may also be used to good advantage in these operations.
Additives that are positive ingredients for a good time at the
laundromat includes raw eggs, fish, peanut butter, and fiberglass. If your
mark is the operator of the business, you will find a variety of his/her
ancillary services to bugger, including vending machines, customer seats,
and restrooms. Small nails or staples driven partly into seats, and restrooms.
Small nails or staples driven partly into chairs make good items for
customers to snag themselves and their clothing on, for example. And
vending machines can be made to steal money from patrons.
Lawns
Our outdoor correspondent, Lother Gout, came up with a scheme to
hassle your mark's lawn. It's a simple matter of spilling quantities of tomcat
lure on the targeted lawn. The urine of Felix Domesticus will do wonders
for the lawn and the mark's disposition.
There are also a number of commercial lawn-care products that may
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